Married into the night (mare): Part 1
Married into the night (mare)
When i was 24, i had a Master's degree in statistics and was living on my own, working for GSK Pharmaceuticals in the data mining group, and playing soccer 4 days a week. I had extremely long blonde hair, and i was doing ok at life, aside from the excessive drinking.
I had just broken up with Jack, someone whom i loved, but just couldn't see myself settling down with due to our contradictory opinions about Jesus. I believe Jesus IS and WAS and IS to come. He believed that anyone can get to heaven, period. So that was that.
I mostly hung out in bars. I dated a few soccer players and then met a guy that reminded me of Adam Sandler, only better looking. I enjoyed him for a while, but just like Adam Sandler, it got old, and he pushed me towards another guy from church that apparently wanted my attention, however i hadn't even noticed him.
And this is where it all began.
I was playing beach volleyball with aforementioned comedian, and I guess i tackled this overweight, unathletic guy beneath the net. I have no recollection. A few days later he was making me a mixed tape (it was a cd this WAS 2004) and stalking me at the run down mall. I remember calling him out on being high, which he denied. But I was no spring chicken, and it turns out, i was dead on.
Adam was his name, not to be confused with the previous guy i had dated. He was 3 years younger than me, and graduating high school at the time I finished my bachelors degree. That is where his education had stopped. He had a lot of charisma and I was drawn to him despite the thousands of red flags that flew my way the first time he slept over.
I'm not even sure if we had sex, i was too blitzed out of my mind as I was in the middle of a downward spiral. I do recall he stole the last $20 cash i had to my name and a bottle of meclizine, my vertigo medication. Hope he enjoyed the buzz, chances are he tossed the meds because he couldn't get high. I have pages and pages in my journal documenting all of these things. I wanted out before i even got in.
I should probably mention, he was the son of the preacher for the church I had started attending. It was a very large church, and his dad was equally charismatic. Maybe that was the draw. I will never know, but i do know this. He had a way of making me feel like total dog shit and if i didn't get his approval, then i wasn't worth it. Even to the point i started cutting my wrists, but only momentarily, because really it was just a cry for his attention. I didn't really want to hurt myself. I just wanted to make sure he would stick around. Begin the sick cycle. He was like a drug and I was addicted. He did more harm than good, but I just couldn't shake it.
We started hanging out. Having sex some of the time, but refusing to call me his girlfriend and insisting to anyone that would listen that we were JUST FRIENDS. It hurt my insides and deep to the core because I was so smitten with this guy, but I was getting the milk for free, so the label was just that. Of course the times we didn't have sex he would yell at me. Why wasn't I a stronger Christian woman, refusing him? And when i refused him, Did i not want him? Did the thought of him repulse me? I just couldn't win this one. It was cyclical and unending.
We kept up this charade for about a year, and then he asked me to marry him, only wait, that's not how it happened.
I moved out of my one bedroom apartment and into a townhome with my friend Jen G. Adam was constantly over there. We drank and drank and smoked pot. We had a lot of fun, that's for sure. I was the money supply. that's how it worked. I paid, he picked it up. He never had money. I didn't' care. I never cared at the time. As long as i had my friend. I was lonely, desperate, depressed. He fed into that, and i embraced him. I was hooked. And it wasn't very good.
He constantly told me I had to stop talking to other men even though we were "just friends". He was controlling and verbally abusive and I was a shell of low self esteem. He fed me just enough to keep me at bay. I have no idea why i didn't value myself any more than i did, but i had no self worth. I couldn't imagine anyone else would ever want me. He had told me that I was lucky he would even look at me (looking back at pictures, i was gorgeous and already had accomplished so much) He called me a slut, he called me a whore, he called me a lot of things, and I believed him. I was completely broken. Looking back, he was the broken one. He was threatened by my success. BY my popularity amongst my teammates. He was a total and utter loser. But the tables were turned and I felt the one unworthy of his love and affection. Funny how abuse does that to you without realization. The drugs and alcohol didn't help. They kept me in the place he felt I belonged.
Some time in October, about a year into our relationship, Adam had just left my townhome, and he calls me all frantic telling me something awful happened and he had to come over. I knew at that point, he had either impregnanted someone or killed someone. The latter was just too ridiculous to believe, so i went with the former and as he walked into my door i asked, "Who did you get pregnant?" I think he was shocked that I was so keen to this game, but predicting the reason for his panic wasn't rocket science. It was the nasty church secretary who was a former stripper, druggie, and probably still was. Ok, maybe she has turned her life around, but i will forever think of her as nasty, but guess what? IT doesn't matter. Her story begins and ends there. He insisted that she drugged him and forced him. I punched him hard in his stomach and told him i hated him. I didn't know what i was going to do, so he left. I told Jen, and had a good long cry. I should have ended it right then. Why didn't i? Because I was addicted. I needed him. What a sad sack I was, but this is my story, and that is exactly where I was.
Not knowing what to do, I emailed a famous pastor that i occasionally corresponded with for guidance. He said to leave, no man can be forcibly raped unless held down by many others. The lady was about 100 lbs soaking wet to his 225+, so that wasn't the case, Adam wasn't raped, and she couldn't force him to have sex. I should have left, but my broken psyche was already in shambles, so i did nothing.
The church secretary had a "miscarriage" a few weeks later. It was an abortion, that i didn't find out until years later. I bet the church helped fund it. Funny how that works. Every life matters and Pro-Life. Only not when i affected their lives. Church lives. Let's keep this quiet, take care of this, make it go away. Our precious boy found someone, don't fuck up his life. Little did they know it was already fucked and I was already gone, only i didn't leave. I stayed the course.
Here's the pivotal moment that has my innards still SCREAMING inside... a few days after we found out about the "miscarriage", he proposed to me. We got high, went to the park, and he dropped to his knee. I was mad. Why the hell did we get high first, shouldn't this be a sobering event? Either rate, i said yes quickly, rushed him to his feet, and felt disgusted inside. Immediately the doubts and regrets crept in. What the HELL was i doing? But, just as I had done in the very beginning of our friendship, i stuffed my subconscious down, deep down, and just kept going. It was easy to stay the course. Change was hard, difficult, scary. That night I got really drunk. So drunk the liquor store refused to sell me a bottle of liquor. They cut me off, but i wasn't stopping.
I had invested a year into this guy. Shouldn't i just marry him despite all of the major red flags? I was 25, my clock was ticking. I had a family to start and a life to build. Things will change eventually. Wont' they? SoYes. that is what i set out to do... Stay the course and follow the path of least resistance.
Two moments prior to the wedding stick out in my mind. When my mother and i ordered the invitations, she said, "Jennifer are you sure ? You can't back out once we send these out" and just before walking down the aisle, i fantasized about running away with my father, leaving him at the altar. An ultimate Fuck You.
But none of that happened, I stayed the course, I married the guy, and settled into my "happily ever after"
When i was 24, i had a Master's degree in statistics and was living on my own, working for GSK Pharmaceuticals in the data mining group, and playing soccer 4 days a week. I had extremely long blonde hair, and i was doing ok at life, aside from the excessive drinking.
I had just broken up with Jack, someone whom i loved, but just couldn't see myself settling down with due to our contradictory opinions about Jesus. I believe Jesus IS and WAS and IS to come. He believed that anyone can get to heaven, period. So that was that.
I mostly hung out in bars. I dated a few soccer players and then met a guy that reminded me of Adam Sandler, only better looking. I enjoyed him for a while, but just like Adam Sandler, it got old, and he pushed me towards another guy from church that apparently wanted my attention, however i hadn't even noticed him.
And this is where it all began.
I was playing beach volleyball with aforementioned comedian, and I guess i tackled this overweight, unathletic guy beneath the net. I have no recollection. A few days later he was making me a mixed tape (it was a cd this WAS 2004) and stalking me at the run down mall. I remember calling him out on being high, which he denied. But I was no spring chicken, and it turns out, i was dead on.
Adam was his name, not to be confused with the previous guy i had dated. He was 3 years younger than me, and graduating high school at the time I finished my bachelors degree. That is where his education had stopped. He had a lot of charisma and I was drawn to him despite the thousands of red flags that flew my way the first time he slept over.
I'm not even sure if we had sex, i was too blitzed out of my mind as I was in the middle of a downward spiral. I do recall he stole the last $20 cash i had to my name and a bottle of meclizine, my vertigo medication. Hope he enjoyed the buzz, chances are he tossed the meds because he couldn't get high. I have pages and pages in my journal documenting all of these things. I wanted out before i even got in.
I should probably mention, he was the son of the preacher for the church I had started attending. It was a very large church, and his dad was equally charismatic. Maybe that was the draw. I will never know, but i do know this. He had a way of making me feel like total dog shit and if i didn't get his approval, then i wasn't worth it. Even to the point i started cutting my wrists, but only momentarily, because really it was just a cry for his attention. I didn't really want to hurt myself. I just wanted to make sure he would stick around. Begin the sick cycle. He was like a drug and I was addicted. He did more harm than good, but I just couldn't shake it.
We started hanging out. Having sex some of the time, but refusing to call me his girlfriend and insisting to anyone that would listen that we were JUST FRIENDS. It hurt my insides and deep to the core because I was so smitten with this guy, but I was getting the milk for free, so the label was just that. Of course the times we didn't have sex he would yell at me. Why wasn't I a stronger Christian woman, refusing him? And when i refused him, Did i not want him? Did the thought of him repulse me? I just couldn't win this one. It was cyclical and unending.
We kept up this charade for about a year, and then he asked me to marry him, only wait, that's not how it happened.
I moved out of my one bedroom apartment and into a townhome with my friend Jen G. Adam was constantly over there. We drank and drank and smoked pot. We had a lot of fun, that's for sure. I was the money supply. that's how it worked. I paid, he picked it up. He never had money. I didn't' care. I never cared at the time. As long as i had my friend. I was lonely, desperate, depressed. He fed into that, and i embraced him. I was hooked. And it wasn't very good.
He constantly told me I had to stop talking to other men even though we were "just friends". He was controlling and verbally abusive and I was a shell of low self esteem. He fed me just enough to keep me at bay. I have no idea why i didn't value myself any more than i did, but i had no self worth. I couldn't imagine anyone else would ever want me. He had told me that I was lucky he would even look at me (looking back at pictures, i was gorgeous and already had accomplished so much) He called me a slut, he called me a whore, he called me a lot of things, and I believed him. I was completely broken. Looking back, he was the broken one. He was threatened by my success. BY my popularity amongst my teammates. He was a total and utter loser. But the tables were turned and I felt the one unworthy of his love and affection. Funny how abuse does that to you without realization. The drugs and alcohol didn't help. They kept me in the place he felt I belonged.
Some time in October, about a year into our relationship, Adam had just left my townhome, and he calls me all frantic telling me something awful happened and he had to come over. I knew at that point, he had either impregnanted someone or killed someone. The latter was just too ridiculous to believe, so i went with the former and as he walked into my door i asked, "Who did you get pregnant?" I think he was shocked that I was so keen to this game, but predicting the reason for his panic wasn't rocket science. It was the nasty church secretary who was a former stripper, druggie, and probably still was. Ok, maybe she has turned her life around, but i will forever think of her as nasty, but guess what? IT doesn't matter. Her story begins and ends there. He insisted that she drugged him and forced him. I punched him hard in his stomach and told him i hated him. I didn't know what i was going to do, so he left. I told Jen, and had a good long cry. I should have ended it right then. Why didn't i? Because I was addicted. I needed him. What a sad sack I was, but this is my story, and that is exactly where I was.
Not knowing what to do, I emailed a famous pastor that i occasionally corresponded with for guidance. He said to leave, no man can be forcibly raped unless held down by many others. The lady was about 100 lbs soaking wet to his 225+, so that wasn't the case, Adam wasn't raped, and she couldn't force him to have sex. I should have left, but my broken psyche was already in shambles, so i did nothing.
The church secretary had a "miscarriage" a few weeks later. It was an abortion, that i didn't find out until years later. I bet the church helped fund it. Funny how that works. Every life matters and Pro-Life. Only not when i affected their lives. Church lives. Let's keep this quiet, take care of this, make it go away. Our precious boy found someone, don't fuck up his life. Little did they know it was already fucked and I was already gone, only i didn't leave. I stayed the course.
Here's the pivotal moment that has my innards still SCREAMING inside... a few days after we found out about the "miscarriage", he proposed to me. We got high, went to the park, and he dropped to his knee. I was mad. Why the hell did we get high first, shouldn't this be a sobering event? Either rate, i said yes quickly, rushed him to his feet, and felt disgusted inside. Immediately the doubts and regrets crept in. What the HELL was i doing? But, just as I had done in the very beginning of our friendship, i stuffed my subconscious down, deep down, and just kept going. It was easy to stay the course. Change was hard, difficult, scary. That night I got really drunk. So drunk the liquor store refused to sell me a bottle of liquor. They cut me off, but i wasn't stopping.
I had invested a year into this guy. Shouldn't i just marry him despite all of the major red flags? I was 25, my clock was ticking. I had a family to start and a life to build. Things will change eventually. Wont' they? SoYes. that is what i set out to do... Stay the course and follow the path of least resistance.
Two moments prior to the wedding stick out in my mind. When my mother and i ordered the invitations, she said, "Jennifer are you sure ? You can't back out once we send these out" and just before walking down the aisle, i fantasized about running away with my father, leaving him at the altar. An ultimate Fuck You.
But none of that happened, I stayed the course, I married the guy, and settled into my "happily ever after"
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